ONE DAY AND ONE NIGHT

It was a brand new day in my yet to be celebrated journey of life. I own some cash in the bank with little in my pocket. I knew it could do very little for me, but it gave me hope for bread within the few days it could last. I woke up on a Saturday morning in a month of August and said my prayers with little enthusiasm. Good health of mind and body I had to maintain, but it’s hard I admitted inside of me. God I never mean to doubt, but my faith fails me when hope alone hold my hands, and I wished it can take me further than my judgment of the circumstances which I am a victim of.

Sometimes I wish there’s someone I could blame for  situations I find hard to handle, a shoulder I can lean on, someone I could tell my true feelings without being under the influence of alcohol, someone I can trust with my so many fears. I have my strength, but my weakness seems to be out-shining it every time these pain strike. The pain of things I feel, things I don’t feel, things I know, and things I don’t know. Ultimately, the pain I feel when my body fail me, as well as when I look into the mirror and have to complain about the things my eyes is not cool with.

Despite all these, I shrugged my shoulders and carried on, trying to give my self the love I never see coming. My bears grows faster that the tic of time and I wished my physics and finance grows that fast as well. May be shaving often would not be that annoying.

Sharing thoughts with a family on a Saturday morning would have been interesting I felt, or being checked upon by a close friend. But none was a possibility. Heart breaking how strangers play with one’s emotion when all that is needed is their friendship, and possibly embraced like a family. I wished I could rather embrace alcohol and let it talk me to sleep, day dreaming like a baby.  I wished it could tell me ferry tales wile I get excited; probably sleep off to wake up and face the realities at a different moment, in a different frame of mind. But alas, my deal with alcohol had become a set up as well as one of my worries. It does more harm than good, causing pain from a surgery I had some years back. I took a deep breath and tried to make the day useful with full consciousness. Not going as planned, yet I was able to find something to eat and retreated my steps to the studio, where I was dreaming of crashing the future gate, since getting there through regular human developmental route is like mission impossible.

Thoughts can be boring when what runs through it is pathetic. But sympathy is practically going out of fashion in today’s world, so one has to be as strong as possible. 

Love that I can trust is one thing I doubt I ever had, just like I doubt if I ever really have a family I could call my own. Somebody wake me if I’m dreaming. Does it really matter if I spend most of my life all by my self? I queried.  No matter how old one is, sometimes a wish to be loved like a child with protected interest is an unstoppable desire. Life goes on as loving self can be hard when it seems like no one give you reasons to be you. Probably they want you to add a little muscle, grow taller, leave your bears, or rather have a smooth shaving. Nonetheless, I continued with my day, coming back from the studio with some songs of mine in CD, wondering how that could be counted as an achievement for the day.

I got home, catching some mental rest until a friend called, inviting me for a fresh fish soup hang out. I had to pass it through my throat with a pay as you go friend I was trying to avoid, an alcohol. Two bottles of beer went down with the fish parts. Another time of trying to forget issues, viewing soccer with men. Every one has their personal issues, no doubt. Have I eaten the forbidden, I queried in my head.

When I had the chance to be alone again, my mental tormentor came calling. So I suggested to my self to go buy some short time pleasure, and that I did. I realized that it was a must that I had to part ways with a sum that should have lasted a while for some few moments of pleasure. This realization came with emptiness and hopelessness. But regret is one thing you will not naturally feel for an action which seem like the only option in the pull of emotion. With some alcohol in the system, the later consequence was what kept me awake, writing this. 

Again pain came striking at the usual place, the surgery spot. My blackberry was messing up, may be I would have been using it instead of writing this long note. I was restless and felt like sharing my feelings, there was no one but I found a pen and papers. Just like Adam in the Garden of Eden, my action made me keep to my self when I could have related with God. His forgiveness I seek because I know I can not hide my sins from Him.

I was sorry for my misdeed, but hopelessness trapped me in retrospect, giving faith very little room to explore the possibility of overcoming the present predicaments. So many things passing through my mind, pain through my body, all alone even in my spirit. I thought of confiding in someone in case I wasn’t going to make it to tell my story on a victorious platform. God I could speak to, but I lost my words and approach, but I knew He sees my heart, my pain, my dilemma , my struggle, and my fading state of mind.  What I felt was too heavy a story to tell when the feeling is no more there, so I had to write this.  

As Saturday night gave way to Sunday morning, I wondered so many things. But who am I to judge God, so I rested my case, staying indoors, fasting through the major parts of the day.  

If this is a tale of one day and one night, imagine how many days of my life with such stories to tell. Friends had come and gone, feelings have been betrayed, life circumstances with ups and down, yet, there has always been moments I’m grateful about. How ever, a moody heart is like the threat of a heavy down pour. But after the rain, comes the rainbow with its beautiful colors. If you can make it through the dark night, there’s a bright day, as there is light at the end of every tunnel. No matter how bad your fall is, God can lift you, dust you, and teach you how to avoid the things that made you fall. Hold unto him to rise always.